The Adventures of Baby Arthur

Labels: parenting

by Lincoln

This past weekend, we met up with some extended family for dim-sum (Chinese brunch) to spend some time, catch up, and let the kids play around a bit. It was really great to catch up with everyone and observe the different personalities running around the restaurant!

The future of our extended family was on display and it brought back memories of how me and my cousins were the same way once. Also in attendance was Jordan, the original front-baby of GuessYourBaby.com!

He's a big boy now and he even has a little sister, Juanita, who is also a big girl now too! I still crack up when I see Jordan holding that bat with the sinister grin on his face.

The great thing about these kinds of gatherings is that it really gives us a chance to talk with trusted family about parenting. Liz and I had been thinking about sending Arthur to a daycare / preschool and we had a chance to speak at length about this topic with Jordan's parents, Karl and Kandi.

Surprisingly, this whole thing was my Mom's idea. Arthur's development seems to be progressing very well. He's very curious and he seems to be as social as a 16-month old boy can be. Whenever we take him out, he is drawn to other children and he even tries to talk (babble) to them! As my mother spends two days a week with him, she has been feeling that Arthur may need more stimulation and group activities to usher him along and further develop his social skills. She also felt that Arthur was getting bored of the same books and toys and it was starting to become more difficult to keep him interested without him whining for TV. It's tough to keep a toddler entertained! Liz had also floated the idea around to other mothers and they seemed to think that a day-care situation would be a good idea, even if it was only for several days a week. On top of all this, we thought it would be a good idea to give the Grandmas a break once in awhile.

So we took a look at a local preschool called Love A Lot Preschool. Liz had heard good things about it, so she made an appointment for us to go check it out. Of course, the first question I asked before even going was: "How much is it?" She refused to tell me! After a few minutes of incessant badgering, she finally relented and said: "about $900 per month." I was aghast right away as she explained that the $900 wasn't even for a full-time program! Anyway, the day of the appointment came along, she peeled my butt off the couch and off we went with Arthur in tow.

My first impression was good. The gates were locked and there were uniformed security guards. The woman who gave us the tour seemed to know what she was talking about as she explained the curriculum and their philosophies. The entire program is be run like a school with classes focused on early development (colors, shapes, alphabet, numbers, exercise etc.) and the children would be constantly monitored in their development by trained experts to identify any problems. As we walked around the facility, everything seemed to be orderly and put together. They had special bathroom facilities designed for children, a gym, and nameplated cubbies for each child. The ratio of teachers to children appeared to be a healthy 1 to 3 (we were promised at most 1 to 5) and the children in the classes we observed seemed to be well engaged. According to school, 75% of their "graduates" continue into "gifted" kindergarten. (Whatever that's supposed to mean!!)

Arthur had a blast as he swiftly ambled up and down the hallways, barged into classrooms and even tried to muscle his way into the 3-year old yoga class. It seemed like he approved of the place! As for me, I did like the idea of having trained professionals overseeing my child. As rookie parents, we wouldn't necessarily know if something was wrong. For example, one of the things I am paying most attention to is Arthur's speech development. While he seems to be doing just fine, one of the services the school provides is facilitating speech therapy if it is required with costs covered by the state.

Naturally, there was ONE SPOT left in Arthur's age group. The $900 per month fee was actually more like $1600 per month and we were encouraged to make a quick decision.

Sixteen hundred dollars per month. That's $19,200 per year. That's nearly as much as my college tuition was! As I began to work out our finances in my mind, the panic really started to set in. I remember when I was young and single, I used to scoff at those crazy parents who were sending their kids to $10,000 per year preschools as if they were trying to engineer themselves the next John F. Kennedy. Now here I was, thinking about sending Arthur to a preschool that cost double that amount!

So what was Karl and Kandi's take? They did send both Jordan and Juanita to a daycare/preschool for the same reasons that Liz and I are thinking of. Only they sent their children to Stillwell Prep in Brooklyn for a mere $380 per month! They had nothing but great things to say about the Stillwell Prep and they raved about how both Jordan and Juanita had such a great learning experience. Juanita, who has just entered kindergarten, is miles ahead of her school's curriculum. I glanced over at Liz and we telegraphically agreed: "Maybe it's time to move to Brooklyn!" Though I doubt DUMBO would be much better (as in, cheaper!).

What's the big deal about preschool anyway? Is it really worth it? According to this CBS News piece, preschools of today are more then about playtime and napping with a focus on education and it is recommended to develop a child's social skills. However, according to this UC Berkeley study, a family's social status impacts the effects and benefits of preschool in that children from lower-income families show greater improvement versus those of middle-class white families, whom showed diminished benefits. Alarmingly, the report also states children who are sent to pre-school too early show a slower pace of social development. Well that would defeat the entire purpose wouldn't it!

So Liz looked to the BabyCenter Community for some additional opinions on what other parents thought on the matter. A whopping 84-percent of respondents (48 out of 57) did not agree with sending their children to an expensive preschool. The opinions varied from extremely against ("GAH!!! NO NO NO. Never.") to moderately against ("Find someplace cheaper"). Others made some valid suggestions on lower alternatives, such as library, community center and even local high school programs for toddlers. Not surprisingly, those from Manhattan were not surprised and some were paying the money. Overall, the consensus was that preschool is not necessarily a requirement and that we could do just as well at home. That's aside from the conclusion that Manhattan is RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE!

The search goes on and we haven't reached a conclusion yet. But between his grandparents, extended family, friends, us and of course the BabyCenter Community, Arthur is in good hands.

Labels: parenting

by Lincoln

In my mind, I often play out conversations that I will likely someday have with Arthur and I think about the kind of advice I would give. Arthur may not yet speak, but I don't think I'm the only parent that does this. In a July post titled The Rules: 25 Life lessons for my daughter, MetroDad laments about how his father never had any advice for him. You could say I've been thinking about this topic since before Arthur was born. And I will definitely say, I've thought an awful lot about my own relationship with my father in the process.

I am of the belief that parenting is all about trying not to "screw your kids up" too much. I know that both of my parents, in their successes and failures with my siblings and I, were only trying their very best to do what they thought was right for us. I certainly didn't understand this as a child and I still remember scoffing whenever my mom would say "wait until you have a child someday." Mom, I get it now!

While my mother was a housewife and she was the one that "raised" us, my father was undoubtedly the patriarch, master and commander. His words pierced and his influence over my entire personality is both undeniable and evident.

I owe my Father everything. And I appreciate everything he's done for me. I couldn't ask for a better Dad.

Our family household was not of the typical Asian mold, where the Mother tends to the house and the Father is silent. It was more like chaos and my Father was never short of things to say. Growing up, it was advice, advice and more advice (Actually this hasn't changed all that much!). Advice on everything, from the simple to the serious. Typical scene in the car: Older siblings incessantly arguing with my father while I stare out the window. For some reason, I was the one that took to my father's words the most and followed his mold. His way of thinking was seared into my brain as I followed his footsteps and studied engineering in college. Later on, I even made a career switch into his field despite success (and talent!) in other arenas. Somehow, my own passions and beliefs were lost through it all. It took me a long time to realize that maybe that wasn't such a good idea. This may be a ridiculously abbreviated version of the story, but you'll never hear me blame anyone but myself for the choices that I made. But I guess I finally grew up. And now I have a kid too!

Unfortunately, I never got to meet my Grandfather, but I'm told that he was a man of few words and short on advice. As the pendulum swings back, I pledge not to allow my own personality to overshadow Arthur. I will work my butt off to give Arthur the same advantages that my parents gave to me. I do have lessons to teach and I want Arthur to have a good head on his shoulders, but hopefully my advice (where appropriate!) will be more like suggestions and less like mandates! If the boy wants to be a musician, let him be a musician.. hopefully he becomes a rock star! Without the drugs, of course (Yes that's a MANDATE).

We'll see how I feel about this in 15 years.

Labels: parenting

by Lincoln

Liz and my Mom brought Arthur to his routine visit with Dr. Frenchy a couple of days ago. Everything is in working order and Arthur was a trooper with his shots. If only I could be so brave! During the visit, Dr. Frenchy brought tidings of the next phases.. he instructed us to formally train Arthur to eat by himself and introduce time-outs when he throws tantrums. He is now in the prime toddler age! While we've been slowly doing both since well before this visit, it just felt a bit different to hear it from the Dr. Frenchy. I guess it's really time to start treating Arthur more like a little boy than a little baby!

Sometimes I look at Arthur sleeping in his crib in amazement. I just can't believe how tall he is! He's closing in on 3 feet tall and he is now confidently walking on the edge of running. I still remember the very first moment we brought him home from the hospital and laid him in the crib... the crib was so enormous back then! In the picture above, you can see Arthur's growth in his green chair from 4 days old through 13 months, which was about the time we got rid of it because he would no longer stay in it. Arthur is only 15 months old today, but he has already gone through so many changes and firsts that those early days seem like a blur! I almost feel wistful.

One of the main reasons I do this blog is to create a living documentary of Arthur, our life and our family. To create a time capsule into the past. I know I would be fascinated if I could "really" see what my parents were thinking and what they went through when they were raising me. I do ask, but time changes memories! Someday, I hope Arthur will read all of these entries, catch a glimpse of our family history and maybe pickup a few lessons for when he has his own children! Parenting mistakes have been and will be made, but his hindsight will be 20/20.

We're trying our best and we love you Arthur! I hope you appreciate and enjoy this.

Labels: memories

by Lincoln

Liz has introduced Arthur to the exciting world of Gymboree. He's definitely too young for pre-school, but we both agreed that the more interactions with other children Arthur has, the better off he will be socially as he grows older. As all parents, we hope for Arthur to be a well-balanced individual.

While we have been taking Arthur to the park on a fairly regular basis, Gymboree is a little different. It's an actual class and interaction with other children is almost requisite, even though 15-month old children don't really know how to play with each other! We've grown accustomed to Arthur's personality around the house, but observing his personality as it related to the other children at Gymboree was an unanticipated.. surprise (for lack of a better word)!

You could say Arthur can be expressive and passionate.



When he gets excited, he has a tendency to jump up and down, point and exclaim. Sometimes he'll poke and grab, but never in a way we've ever thought was hurtful! I'm sure he picked up the poking from me, as I do have a tendency to poke him like the Pillsbury Doughboy (hee hee!). Needless to say, at Gymboree, Arthur's enthusiasm may have been construed as aggression at times. Liz was present to mediate the situation and to make sure Arthur didn't knock anyone over!

When she came back from the visit, we both wondered aloud if we have a bully on our hands. I definitely do not think Arthur is a bully. But, if I had to choose, I'd prefer he bully then be bullied. OF COURSE I want neither! But we don't always get to choose do we? I was bullied throughout my entire childhood, all the way up through my junior year of high school. I was always small and I didn't even break 100lbs until the 9th grade. I was also always in the minority as a Chinese-American. I was a prime target at school and prime target at home too! It's possible that no one bullied me more than my older brother, who is built like Bolo Yeung.




Don't ask me how we're related. (Photo from ImDB)


While I eventually got over it, my experience as "the bullied" left a mark and there is no doubt that bullying has long term effects. I do believe that adversity builds character and maybe it made me a tougher person. But, I still feel the anxiety from being bullied as a child today. I'm not sure I would want Arthur to have to go through it.

This topic came up the other night while I was having a few drinks with my close friends Lance, Henry, Sanjay Brown and Shugs. Today, bullying is a big deal! If the government makes an entire website about the problem, it's a big deal. There were strong feelings about this topic all around the table. Shugs and I were on the same page. Lance, a social worker, had a very strong reaction towards the victims of bullying and immediately switched to caretaker mode.

However, no reaction was stronger than Sanjay Brown's. It's common knowledge that when adults have to deal with children, we have to face our own childhood demons. It's important to keep those demons in check. Sanjay Brown seemed to almost shut down when recounting his memories of being bullied and he didn't even hear my arguments at all!

Yes, bullying is bad, we all agree. I do not want Arthur to be a bully. I will do everything I can to teach him empathy and the evils of bullying if he needs to be taught that lesson. But, it is definitely easier to teach a child not to bully than to teach a child how to deal with a bully! No one is ever going to convince me otherwise! I've wondered alot about what I would say to Arthur if he ever came home crying because some bully picked on him. For now, I'd have to say I'd lean towards the lessons of Michael Westen, who also has advice for kids too (See below!).

I guess Liz and I will have to cross this bridge if we ever reach it.

**************

Hilarious Lesson for a Kid Dealing With a Bully - from one of my favorite shows Burn Notice! From Season 1, "Pilot", script provided by TwizTv.com. You can also see the full episode here. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any edited video excerpt high-lighting this!

MICHAEL WESTEN: That black eye. How'd you get it?

DAVID: Kids at school.

MICHAEL WESTEN: Yeah, why?

DAVID: I don't know. They don't need a reason, mostly. Last time, they took my new shoes. The time before, it was just [shrugs] "'cuz".

MICHAEL WESTEN: How many were there? Is it a group or an individual? It matters... tactically.

DAVID: [irritably] It's a group. They get up in my face, and they start pounding me, okay?

[He keeps his back to Michael. Michael hears him sniffle.]

MICHAEL WESTEN: [uncomfortably] Are you crying?

[David shakes his head.]

MICHAEL WESTEN: You're not crying? Looks like you're crying. Don't, okay?

[David doesn't comply.]

MICHAEL WESTEN: All right, don't cry. All right, stop, all right?

[He walks over to David and pats him on the back.]

MICHAEL WESTEN: You have to lose some fights so you can learn to win. I mean, look at this.

[Michael lifts up his T-shirt, exposing his bruised ribs.]

MICHAEL WESTEN: I got the crap beat out of me. I have two black belts, and they kicked my ass. So you got nothing to be ashamed of with me, okay? I'm the champ of getting beaten up. But I'm also very good at winning. You want it to stop?

DAVID: Yeah.

MICHAEL WESTEN: The key to fighting a group is taking out its leader. Take out its leader, they'll all leave you alone. It's bully psychology. Works with third-world military units, as well. When I was in Afghanistan... [stops himself] Never mind that. Um, who's the leader?

DAVID: His name's Jake.

MICHAEL WESTEN: Jake.

[And Operation Take-Out-The-Leader-Bully begins. Michael stands in front of David (who's just half his size.).]

MICHAEL WESTEN: I'm gonna push you. When I do that, you drop down into a ball like you're scared.

[Michael pushes David. David drops to the ground.]

MICHAEL WESTEN: Protect yourself. Tight up like a ball.

[Sitting on the ground, David pulls his legs close and wraps his arms around them, keeping his head between his knees.]

MICHAEL WESTEN: Good. Now, he's gonna move in to make fun of you. [pushing David's elbows inside] Keep those elbows tight. [pretend-kicks David's sides] He tries to kick you. Protect that spleen, protect that liver. [leaning over David] I want you to stand up quick and get your head right up underneath my chin. Okay? Go![Michael keeps his hand underneath his chin. David jumps up and hits his head against into Michael's hand. Michael lets out a fake grunt.]

MICHAEL WESTEN: I'm a little dazed. Make your fist. [counts as he and David clenches his fingers] One, two, three, four, five. Now box him.[David sends his fist as hard as he can into Michael's palm. He tries it out three more times. Michael holds his fist and chuckles.]

MICHAEL WESTEN: Very good.

Labels: parenting